I haven’t posted on here lately however i think it’s time. I feel upset and enpowered, raged, yet sorrowfull all at once. Why you ask ? Friends. Recently, I have grown tired of my friends’ immature behavoir, and came to the last straw. I don’t feel that i had done anything drastic, yet again my friends seem to make me feel worse about myself. Despartely trying to do the right thing i separted myself from them hoping to reach out for new horizons. This situation however has become bitter-sweet because I feel like i just lost 3 good friends, and that they are all against me even though i didn’t really do anything. I mean yes, so i said a couple of things that i shouldn’t have. But jesus christ! I have never neglected them as much as they neglected me. I feel as though, everyone is out to get me. Or as if no one seems to care about any of my feelings. I have tried to talk to one of my friends or actually all three, but they refuse to reply. I don’t think i deserve this at all, but it has become apparent to me that perhaps they are not worth it. I want them to be though. I want them to be worth it even if they aren’t. Perhaps that explains why i have put up with so much of their immature behavoir. I’ve tried to hold my tongue, but that does me no good because then sooner or later i just snap. And when i get upset, i get upset. Perhaps it does not help that two of them S and K (who shall remain unamed) are overly dramatic, and sensitive. Myself being very honestly and blunt, and also sensitive, it was a bad match to begin with. But I still tried my best to keep it alive. It floors me that now my last year with them has to be so sour so far. I feel that i do not belong here i’m over this town and these people. I want to move on to bigger things, and i feel I am destined for bigger things. I just don’t know how to find them, admist my small, ridiculous enviroment. I feel as if i’m some sort of caged animal, dying to escape reality. I know that’s it’s bad when i’d rather live in my dreams then in reality. I know this well now, because i woke up today and for a moment i forgot about everything that was going on. And then, I remembered. As much as i try to forget about them and try to take them out of my life, it is hard. It is hard to watch someone you know and love change into someone you never thought they could be, something awful right in front of you. It’s hard to think of all the fun they’re having without me, or the horrible things there saying about me. Are they laughing at my attempts, are they trashing my belifs my ideals, my behavoir? I don’t know. All I can go by is my imagination which thinks up all these nightmeres, these terrible situations, that sadden me all the more. I’d like to say that i’m fine, but really i’m not.

Sooo. i just got a tumbler two days ago and I finally decided to write my first entry on none other than the day before the day before xmas :) . Earlier in the week, I was feeling horribley depressed maybe even to the point of suicide, but now…i feel completely different. The holiday spirit has taken over in me and I feel happy. and uhm things are better with…..i’ll just call him, “ned”. Actually i went over to Neds house today for some k.a. recording time and viewing of k.a. videos. I love giving gifts because it makes me feel like i’m thinking for someone else and not being selfish.

Don’t you just love when you have this moment when you look at someone and they look at you and your looking into their eyes and it’s almost like things just stop and it doesn’t matter what’s going on, it only last for a momemnt before you both return to reality but for a little while you get to escape and just look into their eyes?  Yeah i’m pretty sappy and romantic.

I just relezised how immature i can be though. Not stupid immature i just don’t want to grow up sometimes. I still have stuffed animals in my room. I love thinking about my child days and around this time of year it was always so fun and exciting. I didn’t have to stress about exams or test or finding the perfect present. No. I could just stroll along down the frosty streets, my mother chasing after me,singing and gringing at the sights and sounds of the season. I look back at child today and wonder what it’s like now. Childhood is precious and valuable. If i won the lottery the first thing i would buy back would be my childhood. I think it’s important to do child-like things every now and them. but whos says? who says that making a boat out of tin foil and a paper bag and sailing it down a small stream is child-like why is it no long suitable for someone over the age of 10 to have fun ?

The next entry I’ll write will probably be next year and since this is the end of the year i have a couple things to say.

you- you have always been there for me and listened to me for better and wrose. I value you you with everything i have I think you are a wonderful beautiful person and i want you to think so yourself.

you- we haven’t talked as much as i would have liked but i still think of you as one of my best friends and you always will be. i miss you and i love you.

you-We are so a like and at times i take you for granted. I shouldn’t because you are such a loyal friend. I’m going to be really upset when i have to go to college and i can’t just crash at your house

you-differences set aside, when we get along, it’s amazing, it makes me really happy. you are pretty much my other half and i love you more than anything else. I’ve bitten the bullet over you many times but i find you more than worth it. Though you’ll never understand, i’m really going to miss you when your gone.

I hope that everyone has a great christmas!

avec l’amour

Miranda